As many people know, waiting for someone to die is one of the hardest things that a human can do. My grandfather is an old man. He abused his body and is now paying the price. However, in the last month, I have learned so much. He has reconciled with his family, God, and death. He made the decision to stop dialysis after 18 months of 3 days a week. Throughout all of this, except for one or two days, he has been aware and cognizant.
My family has been amazing. Everyone has been helping out where and when they can and have been great. There have been no recriminations so far, and at this point, I do not believe any will begin. Still, it is very hard to watch my grandpa live with dying. There is a cheesy country song out right now called "Live like you were dying," and in some ways it is very true. When you know your time is limited, in some ways you are free to do what you want and yet also do what needs to be done.
I have been dealing with all of this in my own way. I have a complete apathy towards school at this point. That has a lot to do with the fact that my classes are very boring, but mostly I sit there and think that there are many places that I would rather be. In so many ways facing the reality of death has made me impatient. I want what I want and I want it NOW!! I think this is a backlash.
I think it is because I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow or in the next hour and because of that, I want to make sure that I don't miss out on anything. I'm not sure if this is a good or a bad thing. Maybe it is neither. As much as I want everything now I do understand that this is not going to happen. I don't always get what I want.
The other day, Tim and I were working on my study and I found the letters that I have written to all the people in my life in case I die. In many ways the letters are not for them. They are for me. This way, I know that the people who mean the most to me will know that. It simply makes me more comfortable. I don't know if Tim understood, but that is ok. He doesn't need to. The only reason that I am scared to die is to miss out on so many things that I want to see. I want to see my kids grow up. I want to experience so many things. But my life is great. I have so many people around me who love me and who I love. I regret nothing. "Forget regret, or life is yours to miss."
The whole point of this is that I respect my grandfather so much. Instead of giving up on life when he gave up on Dialysis, he has been LIVING every day, every minute. I want to live like that too. I'm working on it.
